Friday, April 01, 2005

Applesauce! Applesauce everywhere! How could this happen?

This is what I came home to last night. Applesauce in every conceivable place in the kitchen: dollops on the floors, sticky evaporated puddles on the countertops, dripping down the side of the fridge . . . on the ceiling!! This sounds insane. The mind reels. Where did all of this applesauce come from? My wife was no where in sight and I doubt she would be firing off M80s in jars of applesauce for fun. It's just not her way, you know?

So I cleaned and I mused, "I hope she has an explanation for this or else some very bizarre theives visited our house." I imagined masked toddlers, with cartoon sized kegs of TNT, pulling off the biggest applesauce heist of the year and something going horribly awry.

"Mugsy," one would say, "I told you we didn't need that much dynamite for a glass jar. Now look at what you've done!" Mugsy would sit in stony silence, convinced that his plan was best if it weren't for his partner's need to put his filthy mitts into his business. Curses!

My wife returned home from her Cardio-Jazz class at the Y as I was cooking turkey burgers on the George Foreman grill.

"What's with the applesauce?" I asked, one eyebrow raised in Perry Mason fashion.

She started laughing. "Ok, you're not going to believe this . . ."

"Probably not," I said.

She continued, "I was trying to open a new jar of applesauce before I left for class. I hadn't eaten all day, and I needed some quick energy." She took up her position next to the fridge, hands up in the air as if listening to a canteloupe. "The jar was really tough to open, you know? And you know how sometimes the pressure built up inside the jar squirts applesauce when you first open it?"

"Yeah, squirts, but that doesn't explain the explosion." I returned.

She kept going. "As I was twisting the jar," she grimaced, "I used so much force, I twisted it right out of my hand. This sent the jar in a spinning, spiraling arc across the kitchen, into the fridge, and then onto the floor where it rolled to the sink."

I laughed. "I can't believe it."

"I cleaned it up the best I could before I left," she said.

I stood, incredulous. "You cleaned some of it already?"

She began to describe the other places the sauce ended up. On the stove, the runner boards, the glass display cabinetry, the breakfast table.

Like I said, the mind reels.

If an NFL placekicker had booted the jar through the house, I don't think it would have caused as much of a mess as what happened yesterday. We are still finding traces in the most unexpected places. And yes, it did end up on the ceiling as well. The surprising thing is that the jar didn't break in all of the mayhem.

Remind me to purchase containers with EZ remove caps.

13 comments:

Tyler said...

Odd. I'm uncomfortable with the seeming lack of respect for our apple resources. Seriously, we're in a shortage here.

Funny story.

My site is here.

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